Just like the last few years, I had started you on a little gloomy note, but I was hopeful that you would be good to me.
You were not.
2020, you broke me down thrice.
Every time it became all the more difficult to pick up the broken pieces of me. Those broken pieces have pierced through my heart in ways I feel I would never be able to mend.
After breaking down eight years ago, I used to think that there was nothing that could be worse. I was wrong. It hurts more this time.
I am wearing a mask
Everybody sees the happy and jolly me, nobody realises that I am wearing a mask.
One good thing that the pandemic did was to save me from the toxic conversations at social gatherings. They would have commented about how I have lost weight and given me their never-asked-for advice. But they would have not noticed how quiet and reserved I have become in the last 13 months.
COVID news and self-care
I remember how I panicked in mid-March when India had reported the first few COVID-19 cases. I had stayed around news related to coronavirus since January. Back then, I could foresee that the virus would spread like wildfire. Being a journalist wasn't easy at that time.
When I realised that it was affecting my mental health, I took a conscious decision to limit my consumption of COVID-related news.
Soon after, I involved myself in activities that kept me calm. 2020, you were the year when I tried my best to take care of my mental health. From writing letters to myself and sending messages of kindness to friends and strangers to blogging and opening up about my mental health issues with individuals and in safe space groups, I did it all.
After years of conditioning that I need to keep mum about my problems, sharing my story with others wasn't easy. But I guess it was the best thing I did. Thank you, 2020!
I am fortunate that I was able to find a safe space in people - both known and strangers. These conversations made me feel vulnerable but they also helped me understand that what I considered as villains of my life for 10 years were no villains.
Grass is always greener on the other side
I remember how I was cribbing last year that I would never be able to see daylight after spending all my days inside the office. (Weekends always fly away in the blink of an eye). 2020, you fulfilled my wish to work outside in fresh air.
I am enjoying the winter sun these days while working from the garden, but I want to go back to the office too. Now, I am craving for the annoying hustle and bustle of the office. Seems like it's true that the grass is always greener on the other side, whether you're here or there. So, I wish to have the best of both the worlds.
My mental health is important
2020, you have helped me change my perspective towards things that have bothered me for years. But I am still learning.
You have helped me let go of a lot of things that have hurt me in the past. But I am still struggling with some.
You have helped me forgive myself about things that were not under my control. I am still making efforts to tell myself that I matter.
I have been able to accept myself a little more. I am trying to love myself a little more.
2020, you were a year that passed away quickly just like your younger siblings yet you felt like ages long.
I guess it's time to let you go, 2020.
Yours
Saumya
Time to ponder
How was 2020 for you?
What would you like to leave back in 2020?
What would you like to hold on to from 2020?
What did you learn about yourself this year?
What would you write in your letter to 2020?
Feel free to share your feelings and thoughts. I'm listening...
Hi! I'm Saumya - a journalist, blogger and poet. Souls that Listen is a safe space for all. With Dear You, I hope to share our Dil ki Baatein...Dil se Dil Tak.
If you have any questions, suggestions or requests, feel free to hit the "Reply" button. I would love to hear from you! You can also write to me at soulsthatlisten@gmail.com
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This is so relatable Saumya.
I would like to leave back my laziness which got me this year.
I would definitely like to hold onto the habit of reading a book on a daily basis.
I learnt that I overspend when it comes to fashion. I have to surely stop this.
Well I didn't get job yet sister.