Dear You #18
It is difficult to make some decisions. Not because you have a lot of options. But because you fear what will happen next. You don't know how things will unfold. You know you will have to make the decision sooner or later. You decide to take it later. You delay it. You don't find yourself ready to take it.
Very recently, I started to tell myself - don't force or not force yourself to do things. Let them come to you naturally. Just go with the flow. With your intuition.
But it's hard to do that too. Letting things be just the way they are… it hurts. Your heart aches so much that you can't even explain. It just flows out in the form of anger, tears or even silence.
And then you become restless. You want to make the decision soon. But you don't want to go wrong. You don't want to mess things up further. You seek help. People who love you… they try to help you. But you're helpless. Nobody succeeds.
You begin to question yourself for the decision of seeking help. You shouldn't have. You acted out of desperation to get yourself out of the situation you were experiencing. You shouldn't have. You should have let things be just the way they are.
But wasn't it right to seek help? Yes, it was. Maybe you made the right decision at the wrong time. You weren't prepared for it.
You start to detach yourself again. You try to act as if everything is normal, as if everything is fine. Everything seems okay eventually.
But it is not.
Little things start to trigger you. This time the pain is so much that you stop feeling it. But it's there. It creates a void inside you. Everything starts to feel empty. You forget what triggered you, what made you feel like this. You don't understand why you are in this situation. You don't know why you are here.
You seek help again. They tell you the same thing again. But you know how hard it is to make that decision. Only you understand it. No one else. So this time, their words make things all the more devastating for you. You feel lost.
You try to get back to what is thought to be normal once again. Things still trigger. You're still there where you were at the beginning. Nothing seems to have changed.
You know you will make the decision one day. You don't know when. It will come to you - naturally, not forcefully.
Till then, you will let things take their own course.
With love ❤️