Taking one day at a time
Dear You #17
Long time no see? Umm yeah... The last 1.5 months were very difficult. I thought of writing every week but couldn't push myself to write. I couldn't find the inspiration and motivation to do so.
Things were going down the hill. Not just because of Covid but a lot of other things. It felt as if everything was slipping from my hands just like sand.
I started to lose track of life. Work-Eat-Sleep-Repeat became the daily routine.
I have not been overworked but there is an emptiness that is difficult to explain. My sleep schedule has been messed up - I'm sleep deprived throughout the week (I know it's my fault that I took it lightly) and compensating on the weekends.
Life stopped feeling productive. There was no sense of self-satisfaction. I was looking forward to nothing. Was just letting myself go with the flow.
Little things kept me going. Checking up on my people was emotionally exhausting, but I tried to be there in whatever little way I could. I'm grateful to those when lent me an ear when I was angry, frustrated, crying, sad, overthinking, hopeless and overwhelmed. Outings to the balcony and garden gave me space to be. The balcony turned into my workstation during morning shifts. I also started a hair care routine.
Taking one day at a time, I somehow managed to survive it all - that was outside and inside.
For quite some time, I thought I needed to take a step back and assess everything. But I didn't know where to start. Surprisingly, I found the answer in the most unexpected yet expected space.
Last Monday, I randomly decided to join the virtual birthday party of the NGO I'm associated with and things changed for the better. Meeting my friends, new people, having conversations with them, reliving old memories, making new ones - I was physically exhausted after the 5-hour party but the sense of peace that I had been missing for 1.5 months was regained.
I tell everybody that the NGO feels like home. I mean it. It's saved me at least thrice when I felt lost, when there was no hope and when there was no direction.
Finally, I wanted to start taking little steps again. I picked up a book to go back to reading. I roped in a couple of friends for a passion project. I started going for walks yesterday. Hoping to take out my cycle soon.
Things are still messed up. I am not able to prioritise tasks. Just doing what's urgent and what I feel like doing. There are still moments of feeling lost.
For now, writing this issue of Dear You has given me a big sense of relief.
How have you been doing?