I have been in a toxic space for quite some time. I know I need to get out of it. Only I can help myself.
I was waiting for the biggest hurdle to give me a green light. I received a nod recently. But I still can't make myself take that one step.
I feel like a mess. Things are fine outside. But on the inside, it feels like a rollercoaster ride.
Sitting with my thoughts has become really overwhelming. The two voices in the head fight with each other every other day.
I am struggling right now.
And I am scared.
I can't survive like this.
What if my decision puts me into bigger troubles?
But this place is no good.
I need to take that step. I need to trust myself.
What if the saying grass is greener on the other side is really true?
What if it's not?
How will you do it? Have you ever looked into the practicality of it?
I'll manage it. I just need that one push.
And what will give you that push?
Thinking.
Another breakdown?
Silence.
Do you really want it to reach that level?
Silence.
Again?
But I'm not convinced fully. There must be another solution.
And what is that solution?
I don't know. I need more time.
How much time?
I don't know.
Are we putting this aside then?
Mmmm...
This is not done!
I'm sorry.
No. You are not.
I'll think about it again. I don't want to rush.
Ummm... okayyy...
Are we okay then?
I don't know. I'm tired. Tired of having the same conversation again and again and yet again. We never reach a conclusion. It's always back to square one.
I know it's all my fault. You have been so supportive all this time. You've been my biggest strength.
Smiling.
We'll figure it out. Just give me some time.
I know it's a really big decision. I shouldn't pressurise you.
Yes.
Here or there, it's your happiness that matters the most.
Yes.
Yes, we'll figure it out.
Putting this conversation out of my mind was really difficult. And right now, I feel empty.
To be honest with you, all this week I had another conversation on my mind to discuss with you in this issue of Dear You. But in the past two days, I have been thinking (read overthinking) a lot. It's as if I've allowed all the mess inside to come out. It's not relaxing. But I'm not anxious. I just feel lost. But I was feeling lost already. I don't know where I am going. I'm just going with the flow.
…
If there is something that came to your mind while reading this, you could connect to or you want to share, feel free to share. I’m listening…
Yours
Saumya
Hi! I'm Saumya - a journalist, blogger and poet. Souls that Listen is a safe space for all. With Dear You, I hope to share our Dil ki Baatein...Dil se Dil Tak.
If you have any questions, suggestions or requests, feel free to hit the "Reply" button. I would love to hear from you! You can also write to me at soulsthatlisten@gmail.com
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Last week wasn't good for me either. I knew I was not being productive and still wasn't doing anything about it. I don't know how much time I need to put things into perspective and get back on track but surely I feel connected here
Sounds similar to the conversations going on in my head.