When I hated myself...
Dear You #19
Trigger warning: Suicide.
It is such a strong word.
It is so easy to hate yourself but very difficult when your loved ones hate themselves.
You rush to tell them how good they are. That they shouldn't hate themselves. But no matter what you say or do, it doesn't seem to be of any help to your loved ones.
“I hate this part of me,” when a loved one said so, I sensed a rush of feelings inside me. There were flashbacks of past events. I was reminded of the two lowest moments in my life.
I told them there was a time when I contemplated suicide. Not once, but twice.
I shared with them a part of me that I hated for years. The part of me that I could not forgive so easily. The part of me that I could not let go of even after being able to make peace with the events preceding the lowest moment and its aftermath. The part of me that I was dissatisfied with.
I could have been better. I could have done better things. I could have reacted in a better way. It was all my fault. And so, I hated myself.
Telling myself that I hated myself never gave me any sense of relief. It just allowed me to let my disappointment with myself come out. The hate was never reduced.
No, I was not going to allow myself to go down the spiral when I knew someone needed me. I shared to tell them how I stopped hating myself for those two moments.
A few months ago, I was able to forgive myself. I read something which hit me hard.
I came to realise that I didn't want to die. I just wanted my life as I knew it to end.
There was a truth in these words that I had not been able to see before. These words brought me at peace with myself for those two moments. I was able to forgive myself.
I understand letting go of things you hate about yourself isn’t easy.
It will take time.
You won’t forget it. You will forgive yourself.
There will come a moment when you are able to let it go… with peace.
Next time you want to say ‘I hate myself,’ why not try to pause and just breathe?