"What's bothering you?" I asked a friend recently.
"I can't explain it," they replied.
Sometimes it's difficult to put your thoughts and emotions in words.
I could sense how my friend was struggling because I have been there too. Not exactly in the same place, but in a similar one.
A hundred things running in my mind, too many doubts, lots of questions, especially the what-ifs.
It felt as if time was slipping from my hands just like sand. My dream felt more and more distant with every passing moment.
It felt as if I, who everyone always saw as the most hardworking person, was losing the race.
I was regretting the decisions I made in the past.
I was worrying too much about the future.
What if I fail?
What if I never get a second chance?
What would my parents think?
What would the relatives say?
How would my teachers react?
What would my friends think of me?
My mind used to hop over from one thing to another within moments and I wouldn't even remember what was the first cause of my worry.
Sounds too much chaos already? It was much bigger and deeper than these words. Something that I can’t explain.
After a few months, I gave up my dream.
I felt like a coward for three years. Because I gave up even before trying.
I used to be that girl who used to encourage friends to not worry about exams. I used to tell them that it would only tell them where they stand. How could I give up?
Somewhere deep inside, I felt I could have given my dream one chance at least. Even after leaving my dream behind, I couldn't believe I gave up before I lost it all.
Giving up my dream didn’t pause my life, at least on the surface. I enrolled myself in a course I didn't want to. I'd say that I was forced into doing that course. I believed that my parents wanted to take me away from my dream. I knew why they were doing what they were doing but I didn't want to understand it.
I had a breakdown. I was inches close to losing it all. LOSING EVERYTHING FOREVER.
They took away my dream from me to save my life. They thought life would be easier for me if I walked a different path. What they didn't see was that losing my dream made me lose my self-confidence and self-belief too.
People around me saw me as a chirpy girl. They never knew what I was struggling with.
I was just surviving.
It was another rollercoaster ride when I decided to take a break after my graduation. Taking a gap year, or drop year as it is usually called, was another blow for my mind. How would I justify it on my resume?
Ironically, this drop year turned out to be the best year of my life. Taking a real pause made me realise that I was running no race. It was okay if I was slow in my journey.
Virus was wrong.
Rancho was right.
I wish I had taken 3 Idiots not as a Bollywood drama but as a life lesson.
I was able to release a burden off me when I saw that the gap year gave the opportunity to do things I really wanted to do just for myself. What others thought or said didn't really matter because I saw how happy I was doing all those things.
The thing that I feared would ruin my life gave me the peace I was seeking.
My peace of mind was all that mattered.
But how do I stop my mind from creating a mess all the time? How do I train my mind to create peace?
It took me many more years to reach a point where my mind automatically pauses when things are running too fast.
Today, whenever I feel my mind is creating a mess, I tell myself - If I don't stop my thoughts right now, things will only get worse. Pause to breathe.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
It doesn't come easy and needs a lot of practice.
When I feel I'm ready to deal with my thoughts, I press the resume button. I start to untangle the mess. I start to pick my thoughts and emotions one by one.
Time is slipping from my hands.
Yes, but the way I am reacting is not helping. To find a solution to the situation in hand, I need to act.
But I can't undo this.
Yes, I can't. I need to find what went wrong so that I don't repeat the same mistake again. I need to own my mistakes and ensure that I don’t repeat them. If it wasn’t my mistake, I need to be vocal about it.
What if I fail?
Failing is better than not trying. I need to keep trying till the time I succeed or I realise that I don't want it anymore.
What if I never get a second chance?
I am the author of my story. I need to hold the pen and write my story. All I need is just that one push to get up and create an opportunity for me.
What would people say?
No matter how well I'm doing in life, log fir bhi kuch na kuch kehte rahenge, kyuki logon ka kaam hai kehna.
Yes, I really say some filmy lines to myself. They may be dramatic but I can't deny that they are true.
What if so and so happens?
I consider all the possibilities - good and bad - and try to understand what I can do to make the situation better. If there's nothing I can do, I affirm myself that I can survive it. I have survived 100% of my problems in the past. I can do it again.
The process of creating peace from mess is still evolving for me. I am still learning.
There are times when it takes days and months to press the resume button start untangling things. I guess that's okay for me. Because taking time is much better than losing it all again.
Is there anything that's bothering you?
How are you untangling the mess that your mind created?
If you are not untangling it, don't stress about the question. I understand that you need time.
Feel free to share your feelings and thoughts. I'm listening...
Yours
Saumya
Hi! I'm Saumya - a journalist, blogger and poet. Souls that Listen is a safe space for all. With Dear You, I hope to share our Dil ki Baatein...Dil se Dil Tak.
If you have any questions, suggestions or requests, feel free to hit the "Reply" button. I would love to hear from you! You can also write to me at soulsthatlisten@gmail.com
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When I was inches close to losing it all
I think each one us would be able to resonate with this piece of yours, and this itself is a testimony that you're not alone in this. Also, I think the primary problem is our actions are not always governed by our likings. It almost seems that everyone is chasing the same thing - excellent college, great job, great match for a life partner and so on and so forth - basically, whatever that looks good on paper. I think there should be greater emphasis on doing things to one's heart content. That really would be real empowerment. But it seems there's a long way to go to reconcile with what seems to me a simple tenet of life.
Your posts always stuck a chord with me. I feel someone else is writing my story.
This made me feel so relaxed and definitely a good start to this gloomy day ( coz rains in winters are depressing for me). Thanks Saumya you are a bundle of joy!:)