I confronted my past in person
Dear You #7
I, along with three other friends, recently went to check on a friend who we got to know may be struggling. On my way to their house, my mind was thinking of ways to support them (We won't barge into their space. We would just let them know that we were there for them. We would let them know that we cared), but little did I know when I would return home, something in me would have changed so much.
That friend's house was locked. And while we figured out ways to reach them, the four of us ended up talking about mental health amid Covid, depression, parental, peer, societal pressure, bullying and much more.
During the conversation, there came a moment when I felt I needed to vent. It was important for me to share what was stuck inside me for over eight years - one of the three friends was a witness to the incident.
When I started narrating, they said they didn't remember it clearly. I knew they wouldn't have remembered. It was not important to them. To me, it was - it was the moment when I felt I had lost it all.
They told me about a rumour that was floating around about me back then. It hit me hard and I wanted to know the source but the rumour was ages old - who would remember who started it? And that's why it became much more important to tell my story.
The memory was imprinted in my mind in such a way that my friend thought they were at fault somewhere. I assured them they were not. No one was at fault. It was just my mind that told me at that moment that there was no way I will survive.
They remembered bits and pieces of the other triggering incidents surrounding the major one. And the three of them could connect the dots.
While I was speaking, I felt a little scared. I didn't know how they would react.
Once I was done, the second one asked, "What should we do if something like this happens again?" This was the second time in the last 28-30 hours that my opinion of this person changed. They cared. (The first time was when they told me that we need to check on the friend who is probably struggling.)
When more conversations opened up, I hesitatingly told the third friend that there were instances when they said things to me jokingly, not realising they were hurting me. They apologised. I felt it was a sincere apology.
And then they shared instances of them getting bullied. I felt whatever they said to me could have been a reaction to what was happening with them.
How beautiful the world would have been, I wondered, if we all were able to speak up about things that bother us instead of denying them straightaway or avoiding them with jokes.
A lot changed inside me in that hour-long conversation.
I have always met these people as those who are carefree about life, with whom you can laugh about anything and everything but never have serious conversations. However, this meeting let me understand them from a new lens.
There was a moment when I became teary-eyed while sharing my story. I was letting go of a burden that had been there for nearly a decade. I feel a little lighter today. I feel a little more peaceful today.
I have no questions for you today. I just want to be in this moment right now where I am so that it stays with me forever.
If there is something that came to your mind while reading this, you could connect to or you want to share, feel free to share. I’m listening…
Yours
Saumya
Hi! I'm Saumya - a journalist, blogger and poet. Souls that Listen is a safe space for all. With Dear You, I hope to share our Dil ki Baatein...Dil se Dil Tak.
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I don't know what it is but your posts makes me more aware of the things happening around me. I feel there is so much in life to ponder upon. I don't know if this makes sense to you but I feel connected :)
Indeed, everyone has many layers to them that rarely peel away.